Don’t be distracted by Charlie Chaplin’s Hitler look. Google The Great Dictator if you don’t get it. Ron Paul is not a racist. Not even a little. Also, if you please, don’t assume I’m a political nut cause I’m not. In general I find politics make decent people behave indecently so I steer clear but I like ol’Ron quite a bit so while I strive to remain temperate I do believe this guy is our best bet. I’m not certain he will make things better but I do think that if anyone can at this point, it’s him.

I’m not motivated to convince anyone to vote for a candidate they don’t agree with. If you have the interest go to http://www.ronpaul2012.com/ and look under theISSUES for uncomplicated, direct answers for who Ron Paul is and what he stands for. You will not find Ron Paul EVER using the politicians’ staple of throwing a bunch of words at a question hoping it goes unnoticed that an actual answer was withheld. If his views match yours then he is worthy of your vote. If not, then he has given you the opportunity to witness who he really is.

For those who do agree with him but have chosen to decide against him because you think he doesn’t have a chance (i.e. my family), please rethink! Voting only for those the press announces can win is a poor base line for your support; instead, choose supporting someone you believe should be the one leading. There are those who are ready to lead but they can only do so when the people finally have enough boldness to follow.

That’s as political as you will find me.

Google him.

This verse has changed the way I pray. It is increasingly obvious that for many people there is little reverence left in daily life. This bothers me. A few months ago I decided to actively choose reverence on a dialy basis and to hold onto it as something precious, something necessary, something required. What I have found is reverence is beautiful, just as the absence of it is something ugly, even frightening.

I’ve asked myself – ‘Would I walk up to someone important or to any individual I admired and start babbling on, slouching in a chair, merging the lines between actual conversation and musing to myself? Answer: no – I would be ashamed to. So then, why would I think this is an appropriate way to talk to God?

Being reverent with my body and my thoughts has begun a process. Since my body is easier to bend to my will than my thoughts half the process has been easier than the second part but I am learning that the self control I learn while making my body submissive is a lesson my thought life feels the effects of. This much I know and have come to treasure.

Some days it seems a very long way to go but I pray never to grow weary of the promise of what is to come.

I don’t believe in the popular “falling in love” theory (though I did once upon a time). For those who say you can’t choose who you love, my reply is that has not been my experience. You cannot always choose who you feel attracted to but to equate that attraction to love is a bridge too far in my opinion. I chose to love him in the beginning when it was easy, and I chose to continue to love him when it was hard. I choose to love him still. Choices. We all have them. We are all responsible for our own.

My pastor, whom I respect a vast amount, suggested I write down what I learned from the separation. Here’s what I got.

Bitterness – never the right choice for anyone. Made me feel like my insides were being pickled.

“Nice” untruths – although they make daily life smoother, overall, they make life detestable. Determining to be honest with myself was the only way I was able to be fully honest with anyone else. This is not easy. Let me repeat, not easy. Lack of ease however does not, in any way, negate necessity.

Dishonesty on any level – destructive. Incapacitating, intoxicating, devastating.

Apathy – self sabotaging. Falsely packaged as self protection.

Detachment – cowardice nine times out of ten. Being available is a basic requirement of a healthy relationship. Detaching oneself may become necessary but beware, if you are still striving to save your marriage this will, more than likely, mean the death of it.

Thinking your-self the exception – folly. Seriously, stupid.

Good counsel – a lifeline and a connection to reality. Finding a safe someone to confide in who can dispense Godly counsel and keep you accountable is invaluable. Be very careful, choosing a yes-person is innocuous at best, destructive at worst. Choose someone whose values are evident in how they live their lives. You don’t need theories. You need experience. Take great care in who you choose.

Protect your thought life – or else. Do not allow yourself the occasion to romanticize/fantasize about what your life would be like with another person or even simply a life without your spouse. At my loneliest I knew I was vulnerable; I prayed that I would be spared having to face any outside attentions that would distract me from my main focus, the best outcome for my marriage. I am confident that God answered my prayers and I never had to deal with is. Excess drama may seem exciting but I had witnessed enough messy divorces to keep my eyes on the goal, and no where else. At the very least I wanted to know and for God to know that I had given my marriage every possible chance.

Respect your spouse. Respect yourself. When done correctly these will never be in opposition to each other.

Intelligent vulnerability – worth it. Be prepared for pain. Don’t be surprised by it. When it comes do not lash out. Instead, reach out to God. Pray for a heart of flesh. A heart of stone is useless to everyone.

Forgiveness – vital, necessary, required. No matter what the outcome, this needs to be where you live. The alternative is hellish.

Educating oneself about God, relationships, yourself – priceless. Remaining ignorant is stupid. No joke. Do not remain an object for pity. God gave you a brain. He expects you to use it. I pity self- made victims, I do not respect them. Why should I? Why should anyone?

Be open. Not stupid. Seriously, this takes a good deal of practice. Rocket Science is a breeze compared to this.

Kindness, gentleness, graciousness. If they don’t exist in your head, they won’t make it out your mouth. . Follow Christ. He shows how it’s done.

Prayer – life giving. Make it intentional. It’s a big deal. Don’t get confused with who you are talking to. This is not musing-to-yourself time. Show respect. God is on the other line. He is listening. Choose your words. Be reverent with your body. It is required.

Reading the Bible – calms, strengthens, heals. Expose yourself to truth on a daily basis. It will help sustain you. NO ONE is strong enough not to need this desperately.

Love – worth it. A choice. Choose it. Or don’t. But be clear and honest with what you choose.

How’s that?

Last year was the hardest year of my life; I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am grateful. I love my husband. He loves me. We are loved by God. This much I know for sure.

“The proper motto is not ‘Be good, sweet maid and let who can be clever,’ but ‘Be good, sweet maid, and don’t forget that this involves being as clever as you can.’” -C.S. Lewis.

And here is where I strive, and when I fail, I strive to strive, to be as productive as I’m capable, as giving as I’m called, as lovely as I was made to be and as clever as I can manage; freedom is here. Recognizing contentment from complacency; freedom is there. Beauty grows up around my feet like fine thin grass, deep greens with reds and yellows, brushing against my hands and arms and legs; in its caresses I feel its loveliness and its power to cut.

As I see through my side of the glass darkly I pray never to grow weary of the longing. It is the best part of myself.

“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you…” I Thessalonians 4:11

Instead I inwardly cringe, again, when I realize it has indeed happened both by me and to me, again; and that within an indeterminate amount of time, perhaps months or even a solid year, the process is sure to be repeated, again, with equally embarrassing aftermath. How something so innocently meant can come across as so devious an idea I don’t know; it’s a mystery, a big fat irrelevant mystery of KGB proportions.

Way to go self. Way to go.

Yesterday in celebration of the New Year I popped over to Piercings Unlimited and ordered the solid gold, eyebrow bling I’ve had my eye on since I had to remove my last brow-jewelry due to an irritation to cheap metal. Happy anticipation even on such a small scale affords some pleasure, though admittedly, precious little; but I won’t use sums and figures to detach myself from any honestly gained delight. Why should I? Why should anyone?

The sadness I feel every day is honestly earned and I do not wish to feel it any less except in the darkest days, but they do not last, thank God they do not last. I know that I feel deeply because I have invested deeply. If I felt it less I would wonder if I had deceived myself somewhere along the way as to how hard I was trying, how sincerely I was striving, and how thoroughly I was serving. I do not envy another’s detachment; he did not risk himself where he ought, where he promised. What is there to envy in that? I have been true; I risked what was fair to win, what was promised. It was right to risk so much and I don’t regret it. If one loves well they shall feel it. You cannot love without it costing you something. This much I know for sure.

What I have come to realize is it takes two people to form a relationship and two to save it; however, it only takes one to destroy it. What one must accept and take hold of is their own responsibility, their own relationship with God, their own humility and service. Bitterness is never a right, but it is always a drudgery.

Still I am surprised at how often I get to laugh. The girl who always had a laugh in her throat is gone, for now; but genuine surprise still garners genuine delight. Whether through a glimpse of a fox, or a clever turn of phrase, or a friend’s ready wit I find myself laughing out in sincere delight. These moments I keep. They are gifts, and as I receive them I marvel at the Sender.

A new year. A newness. Time will tell… and if not it will at least make what we do not know more bearable.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Robert Frost
… and I am ready for it to.